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Left, went back, divorced, remarried..HELP!
By: hockeymom17
Age: 40, 
Sault Ste. Marie
1/5/2009 3:27:10 PM

That's right.  I've left, gone back, left again, divorced him, then remarried him!  There is something wrong with me. 

My husband is a very controlling, obsessive, manipulative man.  I almost stopped the wedding more than once, but I ended up marrying him.  At that time, his drinking was out of control, but I just dealt with it.  He even tried to throw me off a boat during one of his "backouts".  There has been two occasions that he has drove drunk with our kids in the car. 

The first time was because I didn't want to go where he wanted to go after my dad's retirement party.  He became so enraged he left me at the party and went to his mom's (where the kids were) and picked them up.  The sad thing is that she actually let him leave with them knowing how drunk he was.  Thank God my sister got there just as he was pulling out of the driveway and she jumped in with them.  She begged him to let her drive but he refused.  She had to scream at him the entire way home to keep him conscious at the wheel!  In essence, she saved me kids' lives.

The second time was yet again over an arguement between us and unfortunatley, my mother-in-law was babysitting, so you know what happened there!  He went to our house, where his mom was babysitting, around midnight (4 hours of drinking) and woke up my kids and left with them.  My mother-in-law called me and told me that he left with them.  I called him and he said he was on his way to the airport (3 hours away) with them!  I immediately called 911 and told them of the situation and they sent officers out to find them.  I told him that the cops were looking for him and his story changed.  He then said he was at a local hotel, then a restaurant, so I was all over town looking for them.  He finally called me back and told me if I went home, he'd bring them home.  I went home and he came back with them around 2:30 am!  The next day he told me he was parked at a cemetary down the road from our house.

There has been many more incidents that involve alcohol, but to his defense, he did give up whiskey, rum, etc, he still drinks beer and gets a little crazy sometimes.

I'd be lying if I said I was innocent.  I've had 3 affairs over 8 years.  However, I do believe that he has had sexual contact with his daughter's mother and one other girl that he says he just dropped off at home after an after bar party he went to when I was out of town with the kids.  Yeah right. 

The last time we separated, he fell off the rocker BIG TIME.  He threatened suicide, which he still does now,  threatened to kill anyone I ever wanted to date, told my kids horrible, untrue things about me..etc, etc.  I want to leave again because I am just so unhappy, I cant even stand to be in the same room as him. I don't want to hold the past against him, but the past has made me who I am today. I can forgive, but I just can't forget all the hell he put me thorugh no matter how much I try.

One of the biggest mistakes I made was going back. I was just so overwhelmed with the feelings of guilt, sadness, and failure.  I didnt give myself the time to get over those feelings.  I thought that if I was feeling that way, I must still want to be with him.  Now I see that all of those feelings are normal when you go through a divorce.

I feel horrible for my kids, but I do know that it will be a cold day in hell when my boys end up like him.




Reply Posted By: Cynthia Braden, MFT - Female, Los AngelesCalifornia

Date Posted:
2/13/2009 2:44:59 PM

Cynthia Braden, MFT

I am very worried about the dangerous situation that you and your kids are in. I want you to call a domestic violence hotline in your city and tell them about what''s going on in your family. Tell everyone to call 911 if your husband tries to drive the kids while drinking. Let us know.

Reply Posted By: Cynthia Horacek, MFT - Female, Agoura HillsCalifornia

Date Posted:
5/4/2009 9:51:24 AM

Cynthia Horacek, MFT

 You are in a dangerous situation.  You need to counseling regarding domestic violence - and I don''t mean "thearpy" as to why you go back - you can do that later when you and your kids are safe.  You need an escape plan so that you can leave on a moments notice if his violence escalates against you.  Get an extra set of car keys and put them under your driver''s seat; put a bag of clothing and other essentials that you will need for a few nights if you leave quickly; put some cash in the bag and put it in your trunk, or hide it someplace near your exit where he won''t find it - if you have a spare tire compartment, you can hide it there.  But you have to think about your safety first, and your children''s.  No wonder you''ve had affairs - you''re looking for that romantic love that is kind and gentle, and not abusive.  Love is not supposed to hurt. What will it take for you to finally leave and not go back?  Being put in the hospital?  You need to really, really look at your motivations for staying with this man. He is sick and he won''t change until he wants to.



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