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  Topic Originator Date Posted  
Sex twice a year...if I'm lucky!
By: ConAir
Male, 
Age: 52, 
Bangor
Maine
9/2/2008 4:15:41 PM
My wife is just not into sex anymore.  She says it's not because she is no longer attracted to me. But, I don't know for sure.  She is a few years older than me(48), and I am wondering if she may be starting into menopause. She even went to her doctor a year or so back and got some testosterone cream, but even that didn't help.  We never had alot of sex from the start, maybe once or twice a week, but now we're down to like two times a year.  I've read a little bit about low-sex marriages, never thought I'd be in one.  I'm not the type to cheat on my wife, but am considering asking her if she would allow me to take a lover.  Anybody out there have any experience with this? Appreciate any feedback.

Reply Posted By: Tango - Female, Age: 46, MontaukNew York

Date Posted:
10/3/2008 11:09:04 AM


Tango

Sex can be difficult, especially if one partner wishes to become intimate more than another. Have you spoken to her in depth on how it feels for her to reject you time after time? Twice a year is the norm in many relationships, and this is unfortunate.

You should make it known the importance of sex within the relationship, as a means not only to physical satisfaction, but as a way to feel close to her! Consider partaking in activities such as couples massage, or talk to her and find out what would turn her on! Communication is one of the keys to good sex! Start with that.

Reply Posted By: Amy Marsh, DHS, ACS, CHT - Female, BerkeleyCalifornia

Date Posted:
2/28/2009 9:44:27 PM


Amy Marsh, DHS, ACS, CHT

 Hi, A staple of couples sex therapy is to start out with "non-demand touching" - activities involving simple, non-sexual touching and non-sexual massage (suggested by the previous post) can be helpful in bringing the two of you back into some physical rapport. However, sometimes people shut down for a variety of reasons and it takes more than sensate focus exercises and non-demand touching to bring them back into their own sense of sexual aliveness. 

Menopause could certainly have a lot to do with your wife''s lack of sexual desire! This is very common. Fatigue, stress, and medical conditions can also play a role. Depression too. Has she had a physical lately? Is she taking any prescription medications that might interfere? Make sure you encourage her to get evaluated, and rule out any medical issues. 

She may need to feel closer to you emotionally. Think, are there ways in which you''ve grown apart or have just been "coasting" in your relationship? If so, it is time to cultivate it like a garden. Sometimes something as simple as reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman  can make a difference - you learn how you typically express your affection for your partner, and you learn how she communicates her affection to you as well. Often the two partners have a very different "love language" and may not realize how the other person has been saying "I love you." A woman who is feeling unappreciated will usually not be an enthusiastic sex partner. So it might be worth exploring this kind of communication. 

Affectionate touching throughout the day, without any implied demand for sexual follow-up, can also do wonders. It creates oxytocin, and women respond really well to that. Again, something to consider. Is she affectionate with you but not sexual? Or is she generally averse to any touch?

What you probably have is a multi-layered problem here, and you might have to do some detective work to figure it out. 

It might feel strange under the circumstances, but I would also suggest that you begin to pay attention to your own sensuality -- not sexuality, but sensuality. Pay attention to your own physical wellbeing, cultivate your own "juiciness," your own sexual charisma and aliveness, your embodiment. You might be so focused on wanting her to want you that you''ve neglected to cultivate your own desirability. This has little to do with looks, but everything to do with energy and charisma (and grooming, of course!). Read a couple of tantra books, like "Jewel in the Lotus" by Bodhi Avinasha, and see if anything resonates with you. A man who is brimming with that kind of energy really does become irresistable! You might see if this wakes her up!

Good luck!

Amy Marsh

 

 

 
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