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How do I get my spouse to TALK to me?
By: Anonymous
Age: 46
9/9/2016 9:25:33 PM

We've been together over 8 years & married since ealier this year (when it became legal) - and I want us to be able to REALLY talk... Conversation, communication, small-talk - These "little things" have become "the big thing". He just sits in silence for the most part, occasionally says,"Yeah...", and nods his head. I cannot seem to be able to get him to talk to me about anything. How do I break through whatever is stopping us from talking, and turn the silence into conversation?

Reply Posted By: Ray Smith, Ed.D. - Male, Age: 56, SpokaneWashington

Date Posted:
9/12/2016 11:54:52 AM

Ray Smith, Ed.D.

 I''m sorry for your situation, and his. Everybody wants to feel connected, heard, loved. If communication is blocked, both of you suffer.

If he will listen to you, then apologize vulnerably without blame: you are empowered to do your part to make it safer for him to take down his walls of protection. "I am sorry we aren''t talking effectively and sorry for my part in it."

Then ask, "What have I done or said that makes it difficult for you to open up to me?" And if he will stick his neck out and tell you, then listen non-defensively, and ask, "What else?"

Check out to see if you understand his concerns, then do something to make him glad he told you the truth. What you''re seeking is change in the relationship, and that will take courage for both of you.

Your goal is to listen so well that he discovers more about himself and your relationship as he discloses to you his perceptions. He will find it rewarding to be heard, understood, and feel felt.

I''m teaching a workshop on this next month, and afterward could send you more information or even a video if that would help.




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