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By: Anonymous
Age: 42
3/6/2015 2:08:06 PM

My boyfriend and I have been together for 13 yrs, living together for 12. I just recently left the house and told him I was moving out to find my own place. I want a family and children and we are on cusp of timing to allow for that. He doesn't have job, nor has carried one for at least the last 5+ yrs. We moved into his parents house which was a temporary move to do for a year (maybe two), giving us chance to try and save money for our own place. Prob is I am only one supporting us, and there seems to be no will or motivation on his part to have a future. He says he wants all this but doesn't seem to do anything about it. I think he has case of personality disorder and has gotten worse as time goes because he isnt doing anything good for himself. I have a successful career and told him things have to change. I talked to him about 6 mo ago explaining the desperation for change but didnt see much improvement. A few interviews, and started school which was only took one class. We have talked about getting married, and having kids and both seem to be on same page but reality sets in as i dont see him making any effort towards that direction. I dont think it is normal or health for a 43 yr old man to not strive for these things. He is only child and i do believe his mom has over-protected him. I believe he has a chance and i want us to work but i need a partner who wants to have a life with me and for himself. 

After I said i think we need some time apart and to focus on ourselves - he is now desperate to make it work. He doesnt want me to leave. 

I am hoping to get advise on what are recommended steps to help our relationship get mended, and on the path to growing. I know he truly loves me and i feel the same. I feel i had to leave to give him a chance at his life but i dont know if being apart is truly the best thing or what to do... I want to be happy and i want him to be happy and back in each others lives.

Reply Posted By: Rafael Morales Toia, MS, MA, MFT - Male, Age: 47, BettendorfIowa

Date Posted:
3/6/2015 5:00:36 PM

Rafael Morales Toia, MS, MA, MFT

 I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming reality you depicted in your message. As painful as it is, it seems essential for you to fully come to terms with reality, and take consistent action based on the insight and need reality is pushing you to face after 12 years in a relationship, where your main priorities and goals have not been met, to the point you have been affording everything in this relationship, where an adult, who is not disable, has been doing nothing to show any real respect, nor healthy love or caring towards you.

it is very important to differentiate healthy from unhealthy love, once many people do feel they really experience and receive love, but on the other hand reality shows through concrete facts, how mature, healthy and constructive love happens to be.


The reality you have depicted here shows a person who seems to have been severely spoiled by his mother, and then seriously enabled by you for at least 5 years, who has not shown any accountability nor real caring towards you, and who is now reacting to the possibility of you leaving, since he obviously does not want to afford any of the consequences most people in his shoes would have to face after having taking so much advantage of a loving and giving partner.


Based on your story, it''s my suggestion that if you truly want to start taking good care of yourself and life, you should take consistent action and leave, so you could work on healing and growing, and only then, after a necessary period of time, you would see, not because of nice words or tears from him, or from any isolated and temporary manipulative change, but from concrete and consistent actions in time, if this person truly respects, cares and deserves you, rather than want to keep you in order to perpetuate his responsibility free and spoiled life.


I have seen most people in his shoes playing a nice role only for a while, fooling their partners so to fuel attachment and keep everything back on the same viscous circle, and most people in your situation codependently enabling the same pattern over and over again.



This is why I invite you to seriously consider taking good care of yourself and life, and giving yourself the time to see if this person really changes or not,, and I''d not suggest anything less than 6 months to a year. I know that time is precious to you, especially after waiting 12 years for building a family , and that''s why you could not afford getting more into something that after a couple of months would get back as before, since you deserve and need healthy, respectful and fulfilling love and caring , a mature, responsible and truly reciprocal relationship, and nothing less than that.



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