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Is this love?
By: pineappledust
Age: 29, 
Costa Mesa
9/22/2011 11:47:31 AM

My boyfriend of 4 years isn't in school and doesn't have a job.  He's lost and I guess I can understand that.  He owes me $300 for a game system that he promised to pay me back for, at the time I bought it, within a week or two.  Months later and I'm still out $300, though he tells me every time I ask how he's sorry and is trying to get the money.  He owes me $200 for an abortion I recently got and says the same promise of money.  I'm finishing college within the next few months and need that moeny desperately.  My new job that I had to get, right after the abortion, isn't giving me many hours but I'm trying.

The only "vacations" he's taken me on (half of the time he pays and half I pay) are trips to a Motel 6 after I've suggested it because I want to get away from my horrible family at least for one night.  I've taken him to 3 concerts within the last 4 years and he's taken me no where.  He says he loves me and I believe him... but why does he treat me like this?  He only gives me homemade gifts and the bought gifts are never something I'd want.

I feel very lonely and my family never loved me for me.  He's all I have right now and I don't need this stress when I have a very important time in school coming up next month.  I can't afford to pay for the test for school yet because he hasn't paid me.  My parents don't help me financially at all either, but I feel like he should step up and take care of me somewhat after 4 years of being together. 


Reply Posted By: Jeffrey Brandler, EdS CAS LMFT - Male, Mountain LakesNew Jersey

Date Posted:
9/23/2011 5:05:52 AM

Jeffrey Brandler, EdS CAS LMFT

Thanks for posting.

The key issue is your expectation that your boyfriend is going to give you the love that you need, and that you have never gotten.  The more you expect and depend on others to give you that love, the more you will be disappointed, resentful and hurt.  Your task to care for self(self-caring) and begin to like and love yourself.  You can work on this in many ways--therapy, workbooks, podcasts, message boards etc. 

If you continue to focus on him and what he does or doesn''t do, you''re not focusing on yourself.  If you take care of you, you will feel better.  I''ve said to my clients for years "If you take care of yourself, relationships will take care of themselves"  This is clearly the case with you.


Good Luck



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