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Forum Category: Help Me Rhonda!
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I'm driving myself (and my wife) crazy
By: Bucky2
Male, 
Age: 42, 
Tallahassee
Florida
8/7/2009 11:01:26 AM

Rhonda-I have a problem of not trusting my wife. I pretty much control her. I don't allow her to go out with her girlfriends.  I don't want her to dress too sexy. I constantly monitor her whereabouts. When I'm at work I call her 3 times a day to see what she's doing. She's never cheated on me to my knowledge, and I know she is very trustworthy and honest. But, I can't seem to help myself...it's like a compulsion with me. I am seeing a pattern to all of this, as I also did this same behavior in my two prior relationships. I really don't like being this way, and for sure my wife doesn't like it. If I keep it up I think she might leave me. I don't know why I act this way.  I really want to stop it. Any suggestions?

 

Reply Posted By: Rhonda Bennett, M.A. - Female, NolensvilleTennessee

Date Posted:
8/8/2009 3:35:48 PM


Rhonda Bennett, M.A.

Men who are controlling of their wives suffer from very low self-esteem and insecurity.  You''re right, it''s a pattern that almost always ends with the woman leaving.  Your wife is not your "property".  She has a life, friends of her own and activities of her own.  If you don''t learn how to trust her and give her some space and freedom, she will get tired of being smothered and will eventually leave.  I see this almost every day in my practice.  Women can be just as controlling, but they don''t have the physical intimidation that men do.

The good news is that it isn''t too late to change your behaviors and have a healthy, trusting relationship with your wife.  I suggest you get into individual counseling and explore what has caused you to be so distrustful.  It''s often the case that the person who doesn''t trust has been guilty of being untrustworthy themselves.  If you had some bad experiences in the past, then you need to learn to get past them and not make your wife pay for the mistakes of others.

Individual counseling can help you learn how to give your wife space and let her live her own life.  We all have our own lives.  And no matter how much you try, you can never really control your wife or what she does.  Lack of trust is a marriage killer.  Your wife needs to know that your marriage is her safe haven and her respite from everything else in life.

 

 

 
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